The Jokes Thread

[Koveras]

Q: How many Supersayans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one but it takes three episodes.
And Krilin dies in the process.

[GhostFriendly]

A Hawaiian teenager lost his left arm in a car accident. He was depressed afterwards, so his father sent him to Judo lessons. After teaching him the basics the sensei taught him one hold, and continued teaching the same hold for two months. Then he urged the teenager to enter the state judo championship. The student wasn't very confident, but got past the initial rounds, the later rounds and finally won the final becoming Judo champion of Hawaii. He asked the sensei how he'd managed to defeat all the competitors with only two months training in a single hold.

"Two reasons;

1. The hold you know is the most effective in Judo
2. The only way to escape it is to grab the holder's left arm!"   

[AlexShadow]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 
 
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 
 
"What?" said the puzzled groom. 
 
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 
 
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 
 
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 
 
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 
 
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 
 
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 
 
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 
 
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 
 
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 
 
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 
 
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 
 
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[AlexShadow]

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. 
 
She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.
 
The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".


---------

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
 
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
 
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
 
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
 
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 
 
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
 
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
 
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"


---------

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
 
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
 
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
 
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
 
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
 
Bob has been missing since Friday.

[noirlax]

The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Melbourne.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

[Mr Jaq]

Some guy I know came up with this Pokemon joke...

How does a cater pee?
It squirtles.

[Mr Jaq]

One of my favorite toilet jokes...

Why is pea soup better than mashed potatoes?
Because anyone can mash potatoes!

[noirlax]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........


Don,t know what she was on about!!

[noirlax]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21stcentury,' he said.'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.....

[Koveras]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21stcentury,' he said.'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.....

I know a much cooler one.

[Mr Jaq]

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it was two-tired.

[Koveras]

- When the employees gather, they play football (soccer for you Americans).
- When the managers gather, they play tennis.
- When the CEOs gather, they play golf.

Conclusion: The higher the position, the smaller the balls.

[noirlax]

The Hotel Fire

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying for the night in a hotel. Fortunately for this joke, a small fire breaks out in each room.

The physicist awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's wine list does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher, he puts out the fire with one, short, well placed burst, and then crawls back into bed and goes back to sleep.

The engineer awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's room service list (pizza menu) does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher (and adding a factor of safety of 5), he puts out the fire by hosing down the entire room several times over, and then crawls into his soggy bed and goes back to sleep.

The mathematician awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on a blackboard installed in the room, does some quick calculations. Jubliant, he exclaims "A solution exists!", and crawls into his dry bed and goes back to sleep.


......

The Farmer's Fence

 Mathematician, Physicist, Engineer walking through a field come upon a farmer.

The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The physicist does some calculus and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The engineer looks at him and laughs. "No, the best way is a circle". The physicist concedes and they start building the fence.

The mathematician just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says "I declare myself to be outside". 

[MartAnimE]

 An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German walk into a bar.

 The bartender says "This must be a joke."

[noirlax]

Mousey

One question posed to children was imagine you're a mouse what would you say.

One child wrote:

Cheep, cheep cheep. cheep cheep cheep cheep.

Thirty years later

A teacher asked students to her fifth grade class what you would be like in 30 years time.

One girl wrote:

I imagine I'll be beautiful, have a rolls royce given by more wonderful husband, gold earrings, ruby necklace. While we were walking to the park I saw this horrible ugly hag but then I had
a closer look and I remembered it was my 5th grade english teacher.

In 100 words

An essay question to students was write in 100 words what has been bothering them

One student wrote:

Today I've been given an essay to write 100 words. I'm not sure what to write. Ah let's see there is still another 80 words to go. Well this is troubling, I'm looking around the classroom
and still stuck. Oh there's another 60 words to go....and now my last three words. Done!

The Son or The Dad

A four year old was asking why do they say a son looks like their dad and not their dad looks like their son. Well son, who do you think came first the son or the dad? The boy answers of course its the son, no one can be called a dad without a son.